I'm sitting here staring at a screen and I have no idea what to write. I could start by telling you that today marks (what would have been) my Nan's birthday, but I don't know how to follow on from that. I visited Mom this morning; dropped off flowers, drank tea, bought candles, and generally had a fairly decent day. Surprisingly, during my visit, we never mentioned Nan, not once. Mom had spoken about visiting Nan's grave during yesterday's FaceTime conversation and took a few pictures of herself and my aunt cleaning the headstone and arranging the flowers, but the conversation died with her memory today. I feel disconnected from my matriarchal clan and feel uneasy.
When my Mom and Aunt are together, especially around Nan's grave, they seem to revert back into their childish ways of giving each other piggybacks, making faces at the camera, and making heart shapes with their hands by the flowers. As funny as these pictures are, beneath their smiles lies the niggling pain and anguish of losing both their mother and father to cancer; a disease which robbed both my grandparents of their vibrancy and independence.
Like Mom, I too have learned how to internalise my feelings and conceal them beneath a smile. I am guilty of putting the needs of others before my own and running myself into the ground just to make things seem okay. As with all things, there comes a time where plate-spinning and crowd-pleasing become all too exhausting and time-consuming. When you can endure no more, It's then that the plates crash, crowds observe, and those you expect to help, walk away. Both Mom and I are used to people walking away; Dad left when I was 4-years old and the last time I saw him was on my wedding day in 2012. He didn't stick around for the photos.
In part, I have always blamed him (Dad) for the relationships that I have formed with men. In some sense, I've always worked hard to ensure that men don't leave me, to the point where romantic relationships quickly become ones where I mother my partner and expect them to respect me in return. My previous relationships have been with egotistical pricks; one, in particular, being an abusive-narcissist-egotistical-prick who drank and liked to lash out. Memories of him often plague me around times where I experience loss. I still have nightmares where we are in a relationship and I search desperately for my husband to be told that he doesn't exist. Luckily, I am in a caring and compassionate relationship now but still find myself, on occasion, sliding back into that mothering role where I'm neglectful of my own needs, and angry because I've created this dynamic out of intense fear and loss.
I know that I am strong, and I have such a positive outlook since starting this blog, but you cannot have light without darkness, and these reflections are (hopefully) going to remind myself, and perhaps yourself, that you can't make a rainbow without a little rain. While these experiences have moulded and shaped me into the person that I am today, I must also remember that some of the stories serve as cautionary tales to warn me of potential dangers ahead. I'm beginning to understand that I am in charge of my own happiness, and with this comes a huge responsibility (on my part) to ensure that I feel loved and fulfilled.
Until next time...
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